The Big Move

It can be emotional or physical and sometimes even both.

My Big Move is mental.

It's the tipping point where I push away the most important thing in my life. My light. I've mentioned him before and if you read My Disappearance post then you know my light isn't just a thing but a person who saved me from myself. He saved me and I've recently realized that he's been hurting me. I'm broken, fragile, and that causes me to be wary and to be afraid. Us, our friendship was life changing for me and it kept me together more than I ever thought possible. It also helped that he had a girlfriend for the first year or so that I knew him. There wasn't any pressure for more, he just wanted to be my friend and I wanted to be his. Somewhere along the way I started falling for him, I had this massive crush on him and it was okay, I welcomed my crush and accepted that he had a girlfriend knowing that my crush would fade and our friendship would remain. Until he told me they had broken up and that he had feelings for me. Strong ones - that had been brewing for quite some time. My simplistic crush turned into a lot more then I could handle but being me, I played it off as something I could handle until I couldn't anymore. His feelings kept growing and he told me so, my fear and fragility kept growing too. Our friendship was becoming very complicated and more than I could grasp. When he almost uttered his affections for me - in the form of the illustrious 'L' word- is when I told him about my fears. At this point I was still living in Brockville and he was living here in Ottawa, I made him promise me that he wouldn't say that word until we were living in the same town and there was a relationship that welcomed that word. I couldn't handle the thought that he loved me and I knew that saying the word out loud would do me more harm then good. I still can't handle it. But that doesn't stop him from pushing and probing and doing whatever it takes to let me know that he wants more. I know he wasn't doing this on purpose but it was all I heard every time we talked, in the moments of silence I felt his impatience. I brushed it all off as best as I could, I gave him what I thought I could handle. I called him handsome and darling and honey and I meant it every time I said it  - but it meant more then that to me, calling him those things was a huge step and regardless of how much I think he deserved to hear it, I wasn't ready - and I held his hand because he wanted to hold mine, even when I was uncomfortable. I gave him pieces of me, let him have what he wanted because I didn't think I deserved exactly what I needed. I have done this my whole life - giving people what they want with no consideration to whether or not I wanted it too or could handle it. I promised myself a long time ago that I would stop doing this, that I would listen to what I needed and wanted and do those things before that of someone else. Clearly I didn't.

I gave him pieces of me and what hurts the most is that I knew that's what I was doing. I let him have his way on a lot of things even when I knew it was wrong, awkward and uncomfortable for me. I let him because I trusted him and I wanted him to be happy.

He's the guy who saved me and I owed him my life. So I compromised my happiness and well-being. I let him hold my hand. I let him hurt me. I let him. Yet I am so angry with him. I'm angry because he is the guy I trusted. I don't trust anyone but I trusted him. He's the only person I believed when he made promises, because I thought he would always keep them. I told him all my secrets. He knew about every skeleton in my closet and every little thing that a very important and special person should know about you. I gave him everything that I could and then some. He knew all about my problems, my ups and downs, just how much I had been through and what I had survived. He had the map to my destruction - all the power.

I gave him power - and somehow it got used against me.

I don't know what's going to happen next and I'm not even sure that I understand what is happening right now. I am in pain and crumbling inside without my best friend to help me. I don't know how to live without my light but I know I can't live with what he has done to me.

The future is unknown and the present blurred. All I know is that he can't just be the guy who broke me. My Big Move is here and seemingly incomplete.

The Approaching Curve

The Curve.

Every day has a curve. They range from a minor hiccup to a full scale tornado. They can appear to be as one thing and end up another. You never really know which it is until it's there, unavoidable - without escape.

The escape. We all wish it came before the storm. We all wish it came but it didn't and it never will. The only form of escape we have is in the aftermath. Should we let it consume us and bury us down in the trenches? Or will we fight the wreckage and threats against us? Our fight or flight instincts guide us, they can unknowingly help us or directly hurt us.

The Curve.

Seeing that is coming and not being able to change your course or avoid the colossal destruction that is threatening to run you over. We want to run, we want to go as fast as our legs and breaths can take us but we can't. Despite our overwhelming need to run, we are frozen in our places.

It's the fear. It's the unknown. It's everything and nothing all wrapped into a disfigured and undecipherable moment. Our flight instinct tells us to get the hell out of there yet our body does not comply. We scream. We cry. We pray. Flight does not come.

The Curve.

It's pain. It's madness. It's absolute desperation. Only one option remains. To try and survive, to fight. Gathering all our courage and all our will to continue existing, the battle is near and hope cannot be completely lost. We put up our fists. We take a strong stance. We dare to live. The Fight has arrived.

The Curve.

It challenges our very being and we must stand tall to prove that it is worth it. That we are worth it. We determine our worth - by our actions, by our words. Without our drive, our power and our infinite breaths we wouldn't be who we are. It is our strength and lack thereof that we can amount to our true place in life.

The Approaching Curve can make or break us - we must decide which one it will be and make it happen.

My Disappearance

This is my out, in many many ways.

My out comes in the form of words, sentences, exclamations. It used to stay with me, circling the drain but never being flushed away.

This is my attempt. I need it out because I don't know what might come next. What ever it may be terrifies me to the bone.

I have been dealing with my depression since I was fourteen, only I didn't know what was happening until about seventeen.  It wasn't just mood swings, excessive sleep, too many negative thoughts, always mentally and physically tired, irritability and short tempered, loss of interest, hopelessness and helplessness.  Then it had a name and a face. But I was still in the dark. Not only did I not tell or want to tell anyone about it, I didn't know how to deal. Most days I still don't. I believed distance, from who I was, my friends and family was the only way to keep us all safe from the black hole threatening to take me under. I shut out the world until I couldn't find my way around anymore, there was no such thing as up and down, left to right. No - it became a cloud of hate and sadness and madness. I was engulfed.

I still am. Only now I know which way is up. I am still in that cloud, surrounded by darkness but some days I get really lucky and there's this speck of light that pokes through. It beckons me, calls my name and tries with all its might to catch me. This light is Thomas.

Thomas came to me out of nowhere and every day I am grateful for all that he is. When I met him at eighteen, I was a lot worse then I am now. I was hellbent on ending my life. I had tried once before, with over the counter sleeping pills and alcohol and when it didn't work I chalked it up to the world giving me a second chance with a better life. I was wrong, life got a lot more worse. Hence my planning on trying a second time, and making it stick. I had a week until my planned date. A whole seven days that became filled with as much conversation as I could get. I met him through a friend (who was his girlfriend at the time), it was random and magical. We spent the wee hours of the night and far into the morning talking. Simply talking because that's what I wanted. I wanted, needed some who could listen, someone I could talk to and share my secrets with. There wasn't such a person in my life, until Thomas came along. He talked to me, for endless hours. I never once mentioned my depression - I didn't need to, He dulled it with his quips and countless smiley faces. We both shared, some important things and a lot of little nothings. I didn't tell him, not because I didn't want to even though I kind of did, no I didn't share simply because I didn't think of it until after I had fallen asleep. The first good, restful and peaceful sleep I had had in years. That's what he gave me in the span of eight or so hours: amazing conversation, a temporarily dulled darkness and sleep. Three wondrous things I never thought would happen.

Seven days later, I reconsidered my plan. Here I had met a guy who wanted to be my friend. He wanted to hear my problems and provide solutions. He made it his mission to make me smile and laugh. I believed there wasn't anything he couldn't do. Here I am two years later, he still does everything in his power to make me smile; my complete and utter happiness is his true goal and I trust him not to stop until it is achieved. That being said, it wasn't all unicorns and rainbows after I met him. Yes, I don't know where I would be without him and I certainly don't plan on finding out but these last two years took a lot of work. I fought as hard as I could every day to stay in what little light I could find.

I'm still fighting.

Every damn day I wake up and think of three reasons while living another day is worth it. Three things, simple enough right? For the average, unaffected person sure. But not me, not a lot of others I presume too. Three things sounds like a billion to a girl whose struggling to keep living. It's impossible. I haven't been able to think of three things, two years of trying and the closest I get is with a bullshit number two and some days I would count it. I haven't for a while. I still try for those three reasons, in hopes that one day I might actually find them. But for now? I've got one reason and that's all it takes to get me through the day and to tomorrow.

Thomas. He has been my number one reason for two years now and with every thought I know he's subtly pulling more and more light into my cloud.

I dare to think that he'll succeed, in fact I count on it most days.

Thomas is stopping my disappearance, keeping me close to the surface and helping me fight my way up for air.

Needs and Wants of the COFFEE Variety

Waking up is never easy. Well that's a lie - it can be easy, nice and utterly peaceful, it just chooses not to. Instead you are woken by the shrill sound of your alarm or even the crude and unsettling remarks from the outside world demanding you get your ass out of bed and join the havoc. But if you are like me and yes, lots of you are, all you want to do is rewind the clock and get just a few more minutes before starting what appears to be a rude and unwanted day.

It's true, you can't always tell which way the day will go but sometimes, just as you open your eyes to be blasted by the horrid sunlight you get the unshakable feeling that you know it's not going to be a good. Then again, on my few and far between waking occasions, I wake to birds chirping and the sunlight envelops me in a warm and comforting glow- solidifying my morning as one where I can enjoy my few minutes of peace and quiet before stepping out into the world. They don't come often but I sure do cherish every single minute I can, I hope you do too,

On the bad days (so basically every day at this point) I seek a moments refuge in my delicious cup of coffee. It's warm, inviting and creamy allure engulfs me, saving me from the noise and distractions of the outside. The time I take to drink my caffeinated beverage is indeed prolonged for as long as possible, aiding me in trying to achieve my inner zen before I begin the process of getting ready to leave the apartment for yet another day of wasted energy. Okay, yes, the energy isn't always wasted. I do get things done and accomplish the tasks I needed to but some days, the energy I use I don't get back and that is when I conclude the day a failure in useful exertion. Yes, you guessed it, those are the day where my morning coffee becomes a recurring action - a lunch coffee, an afternoon coffee and sometimes an after supper coffee.

I have extreme wants and needs of the coffee variety and I'm not ashamed to proclaim my eternal love and devotion to this wondrous drink. It rules my life and there is absolutely nothing that I want to do about it.

Sincerely,

      The Girl Craving Her Cuppa Joe

Sleepless Nights

Nights are things of mystery and adventure. Although I would like them to be a time when I can actually sleep - just saying, sleep sounds really good and I wouldn't be mad if it decided to pay me a visit. But sometimes you don't need or want sleep as desperately as others, sometimes you just want to stay up and watch the night sky. Forever getting lost in the mesmerizing stars, the stunning moon and all the possibilities that are as visible when the sun's out.

The nighttime is a thing of chance, anything can happen.

Tonight feels like one of those nights yet I also get the feeling that not much will be happening. Seeing as I have already spent the last couple hours filling with Awkward. (TV show), I get the lurking sensation that is about all my night will amount too. Yes, I'm not sleepy - yet. Yes, I am open to something (anything really) happening to make my night even a little more interesting but when considering my options, the limitations are loud and clear. My one roomie, the girl, is visiting her parents and won't be back until tomorrow sometime and my other roomie, her boyfriend, just got home from work and even though I consider us to be friends - we don't have the ultimate friendship with the option of midnight chats. My only other friend, that lives in Ottawa with me, is currently at work and isn't off until sometime after 3am so our delightful and always entertaining conversations are currently on pause and might not resume until late tomorrow morning. I also happen to have done a crap load of walking around today (honestly more than I usually do in a week) so I'm playing the lazy card and not going out for a walk. Not to mention, I am not all that familiar with my neighborhood yet so I really don't want to be kidnapped and possibly murdered just because I got a little bored. Obviously my love of horror and scary movies/television shows has ruined my life and somehow fulfilled it at the same time. Those are my options, or lack thereof really and if you are really smart, you'll have realized that's when I decided to write this post. I am filling the void, for about ten minutes or so.

Magical isn't it?

The power of adventure, it can take you anywhere and anywhere can be portrayed in a thousand different ways - including simply staying within the confines of your mind.

I mean sure, sometimes depending on the adventure, it's better when you experience it in reality and not just with the use of imagination but that doesn't mean you can't have a good time without having to go somewhere. You're mind can do wonderful things and will not be properly appreciated until used to the brink and then some. It comes in handy, especially on sleepless nights. Whether it's because you willing decided to forgo sleep and live a night of wonder or you just can't get your eyes to stay closed long enough for your dreams to take over -  the use of imagination fills the gap and gives you hope.

The adventure of a lifetime, one thought at a time.

Sincerely,

          The Girl Who Loves Her Pillow

 

Get to Know ME

I am twenty years old and let's face it, this shit is hard.

Remember when you were a little girl or boy and all you wanted was to be treated like a grownup? I do. I remember vividly telling my dad I wasn't his baby girl anymore, in fact I was almost ten and should be allowed to stay up for as long as I wanted to. Like the wonderful father that he is, he let me stay up a whole ten minutes later then usual and I felt so happy with my accomplishment when I finally dozed off to sleep, unable to keep my eyes open any longer. That's the thing with being a kid, you get small wins and you cherish them as if they are ultimate victories. My extra ten minutes meant the world to be and from that day I believe that doing what I wanted and becoming an adult was going to be this awesome thing and it could not happen fast enough. Jokes on me. 

I am now twenty, living in my first apartment with two friends and the world is crashing down - and the crashing isn't anything new. Because let's face it, there are a lot of people out there who hit puberty and life treats them right from there on out. Just not all of us. If you are like me, life's been knocking you down for quite some time now. Puberty didn't make it all better, actually it made it worse - a hell of a lot worse. Now I'm not saying the world is horrible (except when it is) because there are good times. Sadly they appear to be few and far between that by the time they finally show up, you barely recognize it and try to fight it off in fear that it's a storm and not a rainbow. 

Maybe it's just me, but I'm pretty sure I'm not alone. Trust me, it took a long time for me to realize that I wasn't alone in all this and for me to put it into words and share it with the world is a great achievement with me and I hope it is with you too. 

So there's a little about me, not entirely sure it helped all that much but don't you fret - if you continue reading this blog, you'll learn more and more about me and hopefully my shortcomings and hard falls can help you or even give you a reason to believe that you are not alone.

I am a twenty year old girl, riddle with insecurities and a bucket load of issues but that's okay - I'm learning to deal with it.

Sincerely,

             The New Girl