My Disappearance

This is my out, in many many ways.

My out comes in the form of words, sentences, exclamations. It used to stay with me, circling the drain but never being flushed away.

This is my attempt. I need it out because I don't know what might come next. What ever it may be terrifies me to the bone.

I have been dealing with my depression since I was fourteen, only I didn't know what was happening until about seventeen.  It wasn't just mood swings, excessive sleep, too many negative thoughts, always mentally and physically tired, irritability and short tempered, loss of interest, hopelessness and helplessness.  Then it had a name and a face. But I was still in the dark. Not only did I not tell or want to tell anyone about it, I didn't know how to deal. Most days I still don't. I believed distance, from who I was, my friends and family was the only way to keep us all safe from the black hole threatening to take me under. I shut out the world until I couldn't find my way around anymore, there was no such thing as up and down, left to right. No - it became a cloud of hate and sadness and madness. I was engulfed.

I still am. Only now I know which way is up. I am still in that cloud, surrounded by darkness but some days I get really lucky and there's this speck of light that pokes through. It beckons me, calls my name and tries with all its might to catch me. This light is Thomas.

Thomas came to me out of nowhere and every day I am grateful for all that he is. When I met him at eighteen, I was a lot worse then I am now. I was hellbent on ending my life. I had tried once before, with over the counter sleeping pills and alcohol and when it didn't work I chalked it up to the world giving me a second chance with a better life. I was wrong, life got a lot more worse. Hence my planning on trying a second time, and making it stick. I had a week until my planned date. A whole seven days that became filled with as much conversation as I could get. I met him through a friend (who was his girlfriend at the time), it was random and magical. We spent the wee hours of the night and far into the morning talking. Simply talking because that's what I wanted. I wanted, needed some who could listen, someone I could talk to and share my secrets with. There wasn't such a person in my life, until Thomas came along. He talked to me, for endless hours. I never once mentioned my depression - I didn't need to, He dulled it with his quips and countless smiley faces. We both shared, some important things and a lot of little nothings. I didn't tell him, not because I didn't want to even though I kind of did, no I didn't share simply because I didn't think of it until after I had fallen asleep. The first good, restful and peaceful sleep I had had in years. That's what he gave me in the span of eight or so hours: amazing conversation, a temporarily dulled darkness and sleep. Three wondrous things I never thought would happen.

Seven days later, I reconsidered my plan. Here I had met a guy who wanted to be my friend. He wanted to hear my problems and provide solutions. He made it his mission to make me smile and laugh. I believed there wasn't anything he couldn't do. Here I am two years later, he still does everything in his power to make me smile; my complete and utter happiness is his true goal and I trust him not to stop until it is achieved. That being said, it wasn't all unicorns and rainbows after I met him. Yes, I don't know where I would be without him and I certainly don't plan on finding out but these last two years took a lot of work. I fought as hard as I could every day to stay in what little light I could find.

I'm still fighting.

Every damn day I wake up and think of three reasons while living another day is worth it. Three things, simple enough right? For the average, unaffected person sure. But not me, not a lot of others I presume too. Three things sounds like a billion to a girl whose struggling to keep living. It's impossible. I haven't been able to think of three things, two years of trying and the closest I get is with a bullshit number two and some days I would count it. I haven't for a while. I still try for those three reasons, in hopes that one day I might actually find them. But for now? I've got one reason and that's all it takes to get me through the day and to tomorrow.

Thomas. He has been my number one reason for two years now and with every thought I know he's subtly pulling more and more light into my cloud.

I dare to think that he'll succeed, in fact I count on it most days.

Thomas is stopping my disappearance, keeping me close to the surface and helping me fight my way up for air.