The Big Move

It can be emotional or physical and sometimes even both.

My Big Move is mental.

It's the tipping point where I push away the most important thing in my life. My light. I've mentioned him before and if you read My Disappearance post then you know my light isn't just a thing but a person who saved me from myself. He saved me and I've recently realized that he's been hurting me. I'm broken, fragile, and that causes me to be wary and to be afraid. Us, our friendship was life changing for me and it kept me together more than I ever thought possible. It also helped that he had a girlfriend for the first year or so that I knew him. There wasn't any pressure for more, he just wanted to be my friend and I wanted to be his. Somewhere along the way I started falling for him, I had this massive crush on him and it was okay, I welcomed my crush and accepted that he had a girlfriend knowing that my crush would fade and our friendship would remain. Until he told me they had broken up and that he had feelings for me. Strong ones - that had been brewing for quite some time. My simplistic crush turned into a lot more then I could handle but being me, I played it off as something I could handle until I couldn't anymore. His feelings kept growing and he told me so, my fear and fragility kept growing too. Our friendship was becoming very complicated and more than I could grasp. When he almost uttered his affections for me - in the form of the illustrious 'L' word- is when I told him about my fears. At this point I was still living in Brockville and he was living here in Ottawa, I made him promise me that he wouldn't say that word until we were living in the same town and there was a relationship that welcomed that word. I couldn't handle the thought that he loved me and I knew that saying the word out loud would do me more harm then good. I still can't handle it. But that doesn't stop him from pushing and probing and doing whatever it takes to let me know that he wants more. I know he wasn't doing this on purpose but it was all I heard every time we talked, in the moments of silence I felt his impatience. I brushed it all off as best as I could, I gave him what I thought I could handle. I called him handsome and darling and honey and I meant it every time I said it  - but it meant more then that to me, calling him those things was a huge step and regardless of how much I think he deserved to hear it, I wasn't ready - and I held his hand because he wanted to hold mine, even when I was uncomfortable. I gave him pieces of me, let him have what he wanted because I didn't think I deserved exactly what I needed. I have done this my whole life - giving people what they want with no consideration to whether or not I wanted it too or could handle it. I promised myself a long time ago that I would stop doing this, that I would listen to what I needed and wanted and do those things before that of someone else. Clearly I didn't.

I gave him pieces of me and what hurts the most is that I knew that's what I was doing. I let him have his way on a lot of things even when I knew it was wrong, awkward and uncomfortable for me. I let him because I trusted him and I wanted him to be happy.

He's the guy who saved me and I owed him my life. So I compromised my happiness and well-being. I let him hold my hand. I let him hurt me. I let him. Yet I am so angry with him. I'm angry because he is the guy I trusted. I don't trust anyone but I trusted him. He's the only person I believed when he made promises, because I thought he would always keep them. I told him all my secrets. He knew about every skeleton in my closet and every little thing that a very important and special person should know about you. I gave him everything that I could and then some. He knew all about my problems, my ups and downs, just how much I had been through and what I had survived. He had the map to my destruction - all the power.

I gave him power - and somehow it got used against me.

I don't know what's going to happen next and I'm not even sure that I understand what is happening right now. I am in pain and crumbling inside without my best friend to help me. I don't know how to live without my light but I know I can't live with what he has done to me.

The future is unknown and the present blurred. All I know is that he can't just be the guy who broke me. My Big Move is here and seemingly incomplete.