How to Believe

Believing isn't easy. It doesn't come naturally.

We don't believe in what we can't see or touch because we equate it with not being real if it’s not physically there. But we believe in emotions. Kind of a conundrum right? At least to me it is.

I'm one of those backwards people where I believe in many things that I cannot see or touch but I don't believe in my emotions. I don't understand words like faith and hope, their existence is unrealistic and fairy tale like to me. Although I know I’m not the most biased when it comes to these things. My depression has forever changed me. It’s given the world a new light and me different eyes, nothing is truly as it was.

I don’t believe that it’s possible to be happy again. I don’t know how to have faith in life or to believe that good things can still happen. I don’t have hope that I can be better than I am, that I can be who I wish I was. I just don’t.

But he does. He has faith and hopes and believes for me, and in me. It’s one of the many many reasons why I need him – because he believes in the things that I cannot. He believes in making me smile and laugh. He believes that if I try really hard good things will happen, that I can get better and one day be truly and rightfully happy. He believes in all things that he cannot see and on my haphazard good days, I think he'll one day make me believe too. 

I'm facing my demons and being plagued by their darkness, the journey is nowhere near over and that makes me partial to anything that isn't damaging and painful. I've been told there are moments where light can be so wondrous that its blinding but for those moments to happen I have to let them come. I have to ease my fear and allow the good things to change me and change my life.

I know I have a long way to go when it comes to having faith and hope, in anything. I know that I want to believe and that one day I will.

I just have to take it one thing at a time.

Step 1: Believing in someone who's hurt me. 

Step 2: Letting him show me the light beyond the darkness. 

Step 3: Believe that happiness is real and will be mine one day.