Rock Bottom

Rock Bottom. 

To most it’s just an expression but its more than that to me and to a lot of people out there. 

Rock Bottom - it’s not fun or glamorous. It hurts and it leaves a scar, it might all be mental but trust me when I say that it’s a moment that will be with you for the rest of your life. A freeze-frame of the worst moment(s) of your entire life that will be kept on replay for when you're down and need that extra kick of horrible reminders. Unfortunately, I have a few of those moments that I know I will never be able to forget, in fact I made one of them just the other week. 

For those of you who actually read my blog you know about Thomas and our problems and for those of you who don't here's the recap. 

Thomas was the most important person in my life. I've been dealing with my depression for six years and it never got easier, until I met him. He thwarted my plan to kill myself and became my best friend practically and almost literally overnight. There isn't a day that went by that I did't thank my lucky stars that we found each other and he saved me, and that he continued to do so every day after that. It's been two years that he has worked his magic and made my life better but we were having some issues. Some that he didn't exactly know about until it was too late. Our friendship had turned complicated and like my usual self I fooled myself into thinking I could handle it until I couldn't anymore. I was getting hurt and it was by Thomas, someone who I didn't think could or would hurt me. In my heartbroken state I told him about all these problems, my pains and concerns but no matter what he said I was still in pain and I blamed him for a lot of things. In a moment of misery and anguish, I ended our friendship. 

It's been two months since we last talked and I'm not surprised that things have turned to shit. My life has been in shambles and hanging by a thread. I believed that every moment since I kicked my best friend out of my life was a consistent rock bottom but I was wrong. 

I hit a true and unfortunately familiar rock bottom just the other week. In a very real, harsh moment of despair I took a long hard minute contemplating why killing myself was a really good idea. I made a list of pros and cons and it really scares me how many pros I could think of and how there was only one con. It utterly terrified me how this list held me fate and it wasn't illustrating one that would continue for much longer. This isn't the first time that I had thought about hurting myself but it was the first time in the last two years that I had given it serious thought. I wasn't just thinking about it in a passing moment or fit of sadness, I wasn't considering it anymore - no, I was quickly moving into the planning phase before I even finished the list. All those pros swept me away and were doing a very fast job of pulling me under and I wasn't even fighting it. Until I thought of a con. 

You're probably wondering what my one con was against a long long line of pros. It was the guy I so forcefully pushed away, the one who hurt me. It was Thomas. I was still mad at him and all that he did to me but in that moment I needed him to save me. I never stopped thinking about him and all the wonderful things he did in my life, and some days I convinced myself that the good outweighed the bad but for two months I let the bad ruin the good. 

Then came rock bottom and the list. Then I realized that there was enough bad in the world and in my life that I needed to accept and appreciate the few good things that happened. 

I reached out to Thomas the next day. My fear for those pros showed me just how much I needed to be saved and there was only one person I knew who had done that before and I had to see if he could do it again. I'm not mad at him anymore and I think I'm close to completely trusting him again. Slowly but surely he is making me smile and giving me reasons to laugh. He's saving me again and I hope that one day we can return to friendship we once had or possibly an even better one. 

He's my light again and this time I'm going to share my future problems with him in hopes that we can work together to fix them and avoid what happened last time. 

I hit rock bottom and although it was a terrifying experience I am glad that it happened because it gave me the push I needed to find someone to lean on, someone to save me and give me more things to add to my con column.